I’m a week away from reaching three months sober. I remember those early moments marveling at day counts nearing triple digits. It seemed impossible to me. I hadn’t gone one day without getting high for nearly a third of my life. It had become so deeply intertwined with who I was. Nothing could happen without me thinking to myself, ‘let’s smoke about it’.
I realize now that it was such a big part of my personality because I was too stoned to see any other facets of myself. I wasn’t being honest with anyone, myself especially, about my feelings or opinions. I wanted to be seen as hot and care-free. That’s really all that mattered to me. I was tamping down negative emotions in favor of playing the ‘cool girl’, even going so far as pretending to like men when I knew I did not. I’m at the point in recovery where I have to face some of the harms I’ve done and the most occurring theme is dishonesty by masking. This wasn’t always intentional or even conscious, but I know it caused me to make choices that led to avoidable hurt; Harm to myself and people I cared about.
This pretending goes back even further than my cannabis addiction. It seems to have been a coping mechanism from a very young age. I see now that even in high school I felt the need to pretend to be someone I wasn’t in order to be seen as valuable. I was preforming. I was the pretty cheerleader. I certainly wasn’t gay. Nor did I want to wear anything other than designer jeans and Ugg boots. I was just like everyone else! Except that I wasn’t. I’d go home depressed and hating myself channeling that anger into self harm and disordered eating. Another secret to keep. I kept everyone at a distance because I was so deeply afraid someone would see how wrong and unloveable I was.
To finally be unearthing and facing this habit is monumental, and absolutely not something I could have done without the clarity of sobriety. Already I’m seeing how honesty is opening me up. My relationships are better, I feel more taken care of, I know who I am and what I want. I am able to stand up for myself in a way that would have seemed impossible to the rowdy little 21 year old kid who was always getting themself into trouble. I wish I could time travel and give this power to her. It would’ve saved me a lot of trauma. I know I’ll be working through that grief for a while, but there’s gratitude in it too. Gratitude that I’m here now and able to change my behavior. Gratitude that I know enough not to put myself in risky situations any more. Gratitude that I can help other people grappling with sobriety.
I’ve heard that around 90 days it gets rough again. That you will feel tested in your sobriety. I’m a bit nervous for that, I’ll admit. I’m having very vivid dreams of getting stoned and they’re hard to wake up from. I always feel a mix of shame and euphoria the second I inhale, and those feelings tend to linger after waking up. I think I have the tools I need to get through it. I’m back in therapy and I’m being really honest with my support system. The day count helps, too. I would hate to start over at 0 and sometimes that’s enough to keep me going. Mostly, though, I really like who I am sober. I like being familiar with myself. I like having enough energy to pursue hobbies. I’m writing more than ever, even planning a novel. I feel, maybe for the first time since I was a child, like myself. I’m so looking forward to getting to know myself better. I can’t wait to see what this new version of me can do.